Princess Pandemonium
by Kalamazoo222
Summary: Chaos in the Princess Kingdom! How will the classic Disney Princess cope with their problems? read and find out!
1. Princess Pandemonium

At the prestigious palace of Fairytale Land, nine fair beauties sat drinking tea at a prestigious palace table. Belle sat beside her companions Mulan and Pocohantos, Ariel sat beside Jasmine and Tiana, and Cinderella sat beside Snow White and Aurora. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon and they were simply enjoying life when suddenly Cinderella sighed.

"What's wrong, Ella?" asked Snow, with great concern. She hated to see her friend sad.

"Nothing. It's just, Prince Char. He's so..."

"Dreamy?" supplied Aurora. Because it was the norm for their guys to be perfect.

"No."

"Enchanting?" asked Belle.

"Uh uh."

"Gorgeous?" asked Ariel with a smile.

"No way."

"Depressing?" asked Pocohantos, always the realist.

"Yes!" exclaimed Cindy with great passion. "He's so full of himself. I hate it!"

Aurora laughed. "Oh that's just men. I get so positively miffed with Philip when he goes out hunting. He leaves me all alone in the cold dark castle."

Mulan was appalled. "What the mushu pork! You chicks are living in the 21st century for crying out loud. Stick up for yourselves!"

"Easy for you to say," said Snow with great contempt. "Your guy isn't even a prince. You don't have to worry about the responsibilities of royalty."

Mulan stared at her. "What are you talking about? Are you implying something?"

Snow raised an eyebrow and smirked but remained silent. Mulan looked to Aurora who was giggling with glee. "What?" asked Mulan.

Aurora smiled coldly. "I think my friend Snow is implying that you are not a true princess." Cinderella pondered this for a moment and then gasped. "She's right. You're not!"

Tiana paused. "Hold on girls," she said with her Lousiana accent. "Aren't we all princesses on the inside?"

"Yes," said Belle. "I agree with that undoubtedly."

Cinderella was unsure. "I don't know. We at least married into royalty."

"What does that matter?" asked Jasmine, thinking of Alladin. "We choose who we marry. You guys were just lucky with your choices."

Aurora was beside herself. She never cared for Mulan and her rugged manly ways. "I want to put this to a vote. All those in favor of taking out those who don't belong, say I."

Belle objected. "Wait, girls. Half of us were in poverty before we married our princes. It took Mulan a lot of hard work to end up with Shang. She deserves a place among us for her efforts. She's a lot braver than most of you."

Mulan blushed and looked down at her cup of green tea then took a sip.

Aurora turned on Belle. She was too smart for her own good. She hated it. "I think the only girls whose opinions matter are those with real men. Not furry animals."

Belle was offended. "He is a man. He _used_ to be a beast. Check your facts. He's _always _been a real man. Unlike your prissy Phillip."

"At least my guy has an actual name. All your guy has is a silly title."

Belle turned red with anger. "My guy does have a name. It's-"

But Pocahontas was tired of the petty argument and had to interject. "Enough. I agree with Belle. So what if Mulan has no royal blood._ I'm_ only considered a princess because my father was the chief of the tribe."

"Good point," Snow said with narrowed eyes. "Good point indeed, Pokey."

"Don't call me Pokey," said Pocahontas, peeved. She could break Snow's snow white neck in two seconds flat.

"Well, _Pokey_, I vote that you be removed from the society of Disney Princesses as well."

Ariel was on the verge of tears watching her friends fight. "Stop it, girls. This is too much. You're worse than my six sisters!"

Tiana rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Here we go again. Ariel, you need to stop cryin, sugar. It's going to get us nowhere."

Ariel grabbed her fork and started brushing her long ruby hair to calm herself down.

Cinderella had to get them back on track. "Let's put this at rest. Who votes them out?"

She, Aurora and Snow raised their hands with pride.

"And who votes no?" asked Jasmine. She, Belle and Tiana all raised their hands with solidarity.

But someone remained unspoken. Everyone turned to look at Ariel who was staring at her crumpets and still brushing her hair. Slowly she looked up and saw them all glaring. "Um..." she said.

Cinderella smiled. "Sweetie, you have to decide."

Ariel looked at the floor. "Pick spot on carpet and stare. " She did not look up and she hoped they would all poof away. Where is the fairy god mother when you need her?


	2. Princely Pansies

On the same fine day, the manly Disney Princes were out exploring the rugged wilderness, in their manly Disney Prince-like way. They were each secretly dreaming of their women back home except Prince Char who was thinking of himself, not Cinderella. Each man carried a gun in case they found good game.

"How's Mulan?" Beast asked Shang.

Shang smiled grandly. "Well, let me tell ya, man, she's the yang to my ying. The mushu to my pork. The-"

"We get it already!" cried Philip. He didn't like Shang. He was a foreigner. And he was too buff. He hated it.

As if on cue, Shang took off his shirt. Stupid.

Beast laughed. "Ah Phil, it's all good."

"Yeah, chillax man," said Naveen, throwing an arm around Phillip.

But Phillip was far from chillaxed. Who even thought of going on this stupid hunting trip?

It was stupid Rolfe and his stupid insistence of joining the club. He had to be included even if Pokey wasn't as into him as the others wives were into their men. Rolfe was humming some tune, that Phil believed was from Sponge Bob. Idiot.

Rolfe and Eric began singing the F-U-N song from Sponge Bob. Phil thought they had a secret bromance together. But he had to admit, Eric was handsomer than most.

Aladdin suddenly took off his shirt and joined Shang. He began comparing himself with the Asian dude who was his best friend. He smiled. "Dude you may have the best biceps but look at my rippling abs. Jasmine is so turned on by these babies."

Shang laughed and kissed his strong arms. "Mulan digs my guns, too much my friend. I can lift her up with my pinky."

Phillip exhaled harshly. "Enough about the stupid guns!"

Aladdin turned to Shang. "I think he's jealous of you, dude."

A mysterious chortle came from the bushes and out sauntered John Smith. Because he was cool like that. He began singing I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt. "On the catwalk on the catwalk yeah..."

"Who the hell are you?" cried Prince Charming.

"I," said John proudly. "Am Jonathon Smith!"

John Rolf was horrified. "You! What are you doing here?"

The Second John smiled. "I've come to join the hunt!"

Rolf shook his head adamantly. "You can't. You have to be a prince!"

"Or a king," said Simba randomly jumping out of the bushes.

"Jesus Christ, it's a lion!" shrieked Prince Char, hiding behind the Beast.

"Fear not," John Smith proclaimed, pulling out his rifle. "I'll slay the beast."

The Beast roared mightily, even though he was human. "You shall not hurt this creature. He's so majestic."

"Thanks man," said Simba. And he walked away to return to Pride Rock.

"That was weird," said Eric.

"That was a little freaky deaky," said Naveen.

"Anyways," said John Smith. "I'm here to join the hunt! What are your names?"

"Well I'm Prince Charming," said Prince Char, tired of being called by a nickname he disliked. But Prince Charming wouldn't stand for that. He'd always been the Charming one.

"Comrade," he chuckled fakely, clapping him on the back. "I believe that would be _my_ name. And I know how much you'd love to be me, but let's not give Smith confusing pretenses."

"Uh no," Prince Char said acidly. "I'm tired of my name's potential being denied. You aren't even that Charming. I mean, have you tried to dazzle your girl any time soon?"

Charming had to say he hadn't, for he was too busy to worry about infantile ideas like romancing his wife. "Now listen here, you. I was the first to come into being. I get the name!"

The Beast sighed. "They always do this," he muttered to Smith.

Smith turned to him. "And what's your name, my fine fellow?"

Beast grinned. No one had ever asked him that. "Well it's-"

Rolf turned to Beast. "Don't befriend this miscreant, Beast."

Beast looked down. "I do have a name you know."

Everyone froze, for no one knew his name.

But just then, Bambi arrived on the scene.

"Look! Deer!" shouted Naveen and all the manly princes took out their big guns and pointed to shoot.

"NO!" cried Bambi, quivering with fear. "It's me! The Prince of the Forest."

"Oh, it's Bambi," said the Beast with a hearty guffaw. He set down his gun as did the others. "How are you man?"

But Bambi was too terrified to talk and he scampered away.

The two Johns, Rolf and Smith, looked at each other. Time for a show down. "None shall join!" said Rolfe with great displeasure. He crossed his arms, preparing for Smith's retaliation. It came.

Smith stared him down. "Come on, man-child. Step aside for a real man."

Naveen disliked conflict. He pulled out his ukulele (if that is what he plays) and started strumming. Shortly thereafter, he started singing Hey Soul Sister by Train.

Everyone ignored him except Eric who enjoyed the tune and accompanied him with his flute.

The two Johns faced each other once more. "I am a real man!" screamed Rolf as his voice cracked. He cleared his throat. "I am a real man!" he said with a fake macho voice. "Pocohantos chose me."

A collective 'ooh' spread amongst the crowd.

Smith smirked smugly. "She settled for you."

A collective 'burn' spread amongst the crowd.

Beast wanted to end the argument. The pretty boys, Charming and Char always fought. Phil was always whining and now the Johns were at it. It must end! "Men!" he cried in exasperation. He turned to his companions, Aladdin, Shang, Eric, and Naveen, the last two were still singing. "Let's leave these children to their tantrums and return to our women."

"Hear hear!" cried the rest and they all left, leaving the whiners behind.

Smith and Rolfe were dumbfounded by the abandonment. They turned to the two Charmings and Phillip and they all decided to put their differences aside. Naveen had left his guitar thing on the ground, so they picked it up and sang and danced to the music stylings of ABBA.


	3. Disney Destruction

It was late in the evening when all the princesses and princes were reunited. The girls were now in a full-out pillow fight trying to determine who was really a princess. The guys watched, completely turned on. The girls suddenly realized the presence of the men and dropped the pillows. But then Aurora screamed and explained the issue in a loud shriek. The others soon joined in, gesticulating wildly to describe the situation and pointing at who was wrong.

The guys came to the rescue and stood in front of their women, arguing for them. "Belle's always right," said Beast.

"But Aurora knows best," said Phillip.

"But Ariel is the victim here. Shh," Eric said, comforting his gal.

"No. No. Snow White is right, because she's was the first. She's the mother of this crowd," exclaimed Charming.

"No!" shouted Shang. "Mulan has been through the most. She can lead the way."

"NO!" interjected Rolf. "Pocahontas knows the colors of the wind."

Tiana turned to Snow. "Do you have any idea what they are talking about?"

Snow shook her head and turned to the other girls. "Let's get out of here and let the men be men." Once the princesses left, the men stopped and turned to each other.

"Do you have any idea what that fight was about?"

Naveen scratched his head. "I thought they were just fighting about whose boobs were bigger."

"That must be it," they all nodded wisely and then started an argument on whose girl had the biggest rack.

Suddenly a high pitched wail came from outside. The girls burst through the palace doors and ran to their men. "Guys!" screamed Aurora. "There's some psycho vampire come to kill us all."

Dramatic music began to play as all the Disney characters watched the door with increasing dread.

With a bang, the doors burst open and a cute little vampire popped out with a maniacle grin. "Well hello there, dinner!"

"It's Bunny!" shrieked Aladdin hiding behind Jasmine's hair.

Bunny cackled with glee. "You remember me, Al."

Jasmine turned on Aladdin. "Who the hell is she?"

"Ex-girlfriend," muttered Aladdin.

All the guys started laughing. "Ooh! He's screwed!" said the men with glee.

But Bunny grinned at the crowd sadistically. "You're all screwed!" And then she drank all their blood.

THE END

Later, Tarzan and Jane swung through the palace doors on a vine and landed on the table. They looked around and saw the corpses of all their old friends.

"What happened?" cried Jane.

"Tarzan don't know," said Tarzan wisely. "What we do now?"

Jane looked at the dead bodies. Then she smiled with glee. "Let's rule the Disney world. You be King and I'll be Queen!"

Tarzan grinned with glee. "Tarzan like Jane and her smartical thoughts." And they jumped on the vine and swiped up the royal crowns off the deceased heads. They stacked them up on their heads and together gorilla yelled back to the jungle.


End file.
